Are you crushing it this year? If you’re not, then a dose of real estate jokes, puns, and pick-up lines might be just what the doctor ordered to get you back in your game.
Too many closings to keep up with? Well aren’t you special! Since you’re so busy, just bookmark this page and come back tonight to memorize a few of these cheesy, hilarious, and plain old terrible Realtor jokes to tell at tomorrow’s closing.
Either way, here are some fresh new real estate jokes for every agent out there:
1. It’s Free Real Estate
2. The Dual Agent
How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
3. The Wedding
I’m getting married to a top producing Realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.
4. The Perfect CRM
CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half” Real Estate Agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”
5. The Lowest Inventory
Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.
6. A Realtor’s Prayer
“Dear lord, all I ask is that you prove to me that money won’t make me happier by tripling my GCI this year”
7. Realtor Magazine
A Realtor I know asked me if I read Realtor Magazine. I said I did read it, periodically.
8. Job Interview
A new agent walks into a Realtor’s office for an interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months. Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it.”
9. The Truth Is Out There…
What do great affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.
10. The Curmudgeon
An old man walks into a real estate office and approaches the first agent he sees.
“What’s your name, sonny boy?”
“Hi my name’s Jeff, and I’d love to—”
“Listen here Jeff, I don’t want to hear you yammering, I just want to sell my F%#%#ng house! Got it?!”
The agent, somewhat shocked replied:
“I’m sorry sir, I’d love to help you, but we don’t use that kind of language here.”
“Listen you little F%$%ng whippersnapper, I just said I need to sell my F%$%#ng house!! I want to speak to your F#%%#ng manager!”
So the agent goes into the manager’s office and brings her out.
“Hello sir, my name is Carolyn and I’m the managing broker here. How can I help you?”
“For the last F$%#%ing time, I want to sell my F$%#%^ng five million dollar house!!”
“I see, sir. Is this D%#%#%ed here giving your a hard time?”
11. The Two Story House
My clients put in an offer on a two story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
12. House Attire
What does a house wear? Address.
13. The Lightest Building
What kind of building weighs the least? A lighthouse.
14. The Best Prize of All
At the weekly sales meeting a Managing Broker makes an announcement:
“Attention everyone, I am happy to announce that this month we will be having our monthly sales contest and we have a lot of great prizes for everyone who’s working hard.”
A new Realtor in the back pipes up and asks:
“Well, what do we win?”
“It’s simple. The prize is getting to compete in next month’s sales contest!”
15. Is Your Mommy Home?
A young Realtor is out door knocking one afternoon and came upon a little girl sitting on a stoop.
“Hi there, my name is Stacey. Is your Mommy home?”
The little girl nods and says yes so the Realtor starts ringing the doorbell.
After five minutes with no answer she turns back to the little girl and asks her;
“Hey, I thought you said your mommy was home?”
“My mommy IS home but I live across the street.”
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.
17. But This Carpeting Cost Us an Arm & a Leg in 1987!!
90% of the people in this city hate carpeting. The other 10% hate YOUR carpeting.
18. Hipster Real Estate Agents Are SO Over It
Why did the hipster real estate agent refuse to show the riverfront property?
It was too current.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifitng.
20. Aren’t Finished Basements the Best?
My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
22. The Truck Driver Client
My truck driver client was such a pain. Kept saying he wanted a house with long haul ways.
22. Don’t Trust the Listing Agent!
A listing agent I know promises a free abacus with every closed deal, but I wouldn’t count on it.
23. The FSBO Cold Caller
After being cold called 5 days in a row, a FSBO finally had enough:
“FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME I CAN’T SEE YOU THIS SATURDAY OR ANY DAMN DAY!!”
Without skipping a beat the Realtor replied,
“That’s okay sir, I sell prescription glasses on the side. Let’s schedule you an eye exam.”
24. Doctor House, MD
Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a window pane.
25. The One About The Roof
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it, it’s over your head.
What room in your house are zombies most afraid of? The living room.
27. I’m Such a Great Agent Other Companies Won’t Stop Calling me!
“I need a raise in my commission,” the Realtor said to her Managing Broker. “There are four other companies after me.” “Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” “VISA, Verizon, Con Ed Electric, and National Gas.”
28. Say It Ain’t So!
What’s the difference between a Realtor and a Mortgage Broker? The Mortgage Broker knows he’s boring.
29. Star Wars
Which Star Wars character would make the best Realtor? Lando Calrissian.
30. The Cheap Apartment Buyer
My buyer didn’t have a lot of money to spend on an apartment so I asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
31. I Could Take ’Em!
“Eh, that Realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”
32. The Truth Is STILL Out There
When I went to check out a new listing with my buyer we were stunned to see ET sitting on the stoop waving his glowing finger in the air and asking us to phone home.
I decided to call my friend at the title company to see what was going on and he told me someone put alien on the property.
33. A Hard Lesson to Learn!
34. That Sounds Reasonable to Me…
— The Onion (@TheOnion) September 2, 2016
35. Revenge is Sweet, HOAs Are Not
The HOA in my friend’s neighborhood recently threatened her neighbors with a fine if they didn’t hide their trash cans, even though they’ve been in the same spot for over a decade. This is their solution. from r/funny
36. This John Mulaney Bit
37. Perfect for San Francisco Agents
38. Her Managing Broker is Named Cheeto Salsa…
39. The Ultimate FSBO Challenge
40. This Real Estate Marketing Genius
41. Obi Wan Kenobi Salvages Your Sunday
42. Yes, Yes It Is
43. Orange You Glad This Isn’t Your Listing?
45. Clients Said Her Partner Sounded Kind of Wooden Over the Phone…
46. Git’r Done!
47. Serious Buyers
49. 7 Tricks Realtors Use to Sell Houses, 1-3
50. See Google, Amazon, Apple, et al
51. The Contract
52. It’s in Good Condition!
53. NAR Violation
Hey big guy, are you a NAR violation? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
Hey girl, you know what the difference is between you and my CRM? My CRM costs $70 a month, but you’re priceless.
55. An Easement
Hey cowboy, I’m not asking you for an easement, just a mere right of recreation and amusement.
58. Property Inspector
Are you a property inspector? Because you were checking me out for hours at the open house on Sunday.
59. My Nickname Around the Office…
Around the office the other Realtors call me coffee cause I grind so fine
60. My Heart
Hey girl, you probably don’t know it, but you have a lien on my heart.
Are you the latest Swiftkey app update? Because you’re just my type.
62. Signal is STRONG in here
Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling a connection here.
63. Cold Caller
Hey good lookin’, I cold call expireds all day but if you give me your phone number I’ll make a hot call tonight.
64. Did You Just Feel That?
Is this listing in an earthquake zone or did you just rock my world?
65. State Regulations
I’m sorry, but state regulations and the NAR code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.
66. Need That Map Stat!
Do you have a map of the listings we’re going to see today? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.
67. FHA Loan
Hey big guy, are you an FHA loan because you’ve definitely got my interest.
69. First Time Homebuyer
Talking to you makes me feel like a first time homebuyer – nervous but thrilled.
70. Curb Appeal
With curb appeal like that you’re a prime property in my heart’s MLS.
71. The Garden is Rather Secluded…
This listing has a beautiful garden where we can put our tulips together
72. The Blazer
Hey sailor, you like my blazer? It’s made out of girlfriend material.
If you were words on my exclusive buyer agency agreement you’d be the fine print.
74. The Inspector is Here
Baby, we can definitely skip the inspection because I can already tell you’re flawless!
75. Let’s Get Out of Here
What do you say you and me get out of here and go back to my place to check out my pocket listings?
76. Up and Down
The local market has gone up and down over the years but you’ll stay beautiful forever.
77. Your Showing Today
Hey hunk, your showing today must have been on the equator because you’re hot!
78. What’s Your Sign and uh,
Hey baby, what’s your sign and are you already working with another agent?
79. Facebook Ad Strategy
You must have a killer Facebook ad strategy because you made quite the impression on me.
Over to You
Have a great real estate joke, pun, or pickup line we missed? Let us know in the comments!