Are you crushing it this year? If not, then perhaps a healthy dose of real estate jokes, puns, and pick-up lines might be just what the doctor ordered to get you back on your A-game.
Too many closings to keep up with? Bookmark this page and come back tonight to memorize a few of these cheesy, hilarious, and plain old terrible real estate jokes to tell at tomorrow’s team or client meeting. We’ve got some fresh new real estate jokes for just about every agent out there.
And as a bonus, we have hilarious real estate memes that you can download and share online.
1. It’s Free Real Estate
If you’ve ever Googled “free real estate” and scratched your head at all the bizarre results, then congratulations. You’ve been exposed to the weird world of Tim and Eric. The humor here isn’t for everyone—in fact, some of you might end up MORE confused after watching this. That’s OK though, we have 95 more jokes and puns coming up next! We got you to close your MLS browser tab, right? 😀
2. The Dual Agent
How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
3. Not That Bright
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright. When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name he just wrote “Capricorn.”
4. The Wedding
I’m getting married to a top-producing realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.
5. The Perfect CRM
CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half.”
Real estate agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”
6. The Lowest Inventory
Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.
7. The Secret to Real Estate Success
After reading books by Tom Ferry and Brain Buffini, and going to seven coaching seminars this year, I think I’ve finally discovered the secret to making serious money in the real estate industry—I’m going to become a real estate coach!
8. A Realtor’s Prayer
“Dear Lord, all I ask is that you prove to me that money won’t make me happier by tripling my GCI this year.”
9. It’s a Pretty Catchy Tune
What’s a realtor’s favorite Christmas song? For Lease Navidad.
10. A Realtor’s Brain
A realtor’s brain is a miracle of nature. It starts working the day they’re born and stops working as soon as they need to pitch a homeowner.
11. Climate Change
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
12. Realtor Magazine
A realtor I know asked me if I read Realtor Magazine. I said I did read it, periodically.
13. We’ve All Thought About Switching Careers
Years ago, I worked with an agent named Beth, who was the best realtor in Beverly Hills. She dominated the entire Beverly Hills ZIP code and all her clients loved her. She did so well, she owned a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari, and a Bel Air mansion.
One day, Beth just disappeared. No one knew where she went and we were all shocked that she would leave such a lucrative career.
A few years later I went to SeaWorld and who did I see feeding a baby dolphin? Beth! Stunned, I walked up and asked her why she left real estate:
“Beth, you were the best agent we ever worked with and you had millions! Why did you trade it all to work feeding baby dolphins at SeaWorld?”
“You know, I just got fed up with how meaningless it was selling mansions. At least now I’m serving a youthful porpoise.”
14. Hey, Girl …
Hey, girl, are you a mortgage? Because you’ve got my interest!
15. Job Interview
A new agent walks into a realtor’s office for an interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months. Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it.”
16. The Truth Is Out There
What do great affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.
17. The Curmudgeon
An old man walks into a real estate office and approaches the first agent he sees.
“What’s your name, sonny boy?”
“Hi my name’s Jeff, and I’d love to—”
“Listen here, Jeff, I don’t want to hear you yammering, I just want to sell my F%#%#ng house! Got it?!”
The agent, somewhat shocked, replied:
“I’m sorry, sir, I’d love to help you, but we don’t use that kind of language here.”
“Listen you, little F%$%ng whippersnapper, I just said I need to sell my F%$%#ng house!! I want to speak to your F#%%#ng manager!”
So the agent goes into the manager’s office and brings her out.
“Hello, sir, my name is Carolyn and I’m the managing broker here. How can I help you?”
“For the last F$%#%ing time, I want to sell my F$%#%^ng $5 million house!!”
“I see, sir. Is this D%#%#%ed here giving you a hard time?”
18. The Two-story House
My clients put in an offer on a two-story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
19. House Attire
What does a house wear? Address.
20. The Lightest Building
What kind of building weighs the least? A lighthouse.
21. The Best Prize of All
At the weekly sales meeting, a Managing Broker makes an announcement:
“Attention everyone, I am happy to announce that this month, we will be having our monthly sales contest and we have a lot of great prizes for everyone who’s working hard.”
A new realtor in the back pipes up and asks:
“Well, what do we win?”
“It’s simple. The prize is getting to compete in next month’s sales contest!”
22. Is Your Mommy Home?
A young realtor is out door knocking one afternoon and came upon a little girl sitting on a stoop.
“Hi there, my name is Stacey. Is your Mommy home?”
The little girl nods and says yes, so the realtor starts ringing the doorbell.
After five minutes with no answer, she turns back to the little girl and asks her:
“Hey, I thought you said your mommy was home?”
“My mommy IS home but I live across the street.”
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.
24. But This Carpeting Cost Us an Arm & a Leg in 1987!!
Ninety percent of the people in this city hate carpeting. The other 10% hate YOUR carpeting.
25. He Made Him an Offer He Couldn’t Refuse
A real estate agent was standing at the crossroads when the devil suddenly appeared before him:
“I can make you the most successful agent in your brokerage, and you will sell 200 houses next year if you sign this contract in blood. In return, you will give me your soul, your wife’s soul, and your children’s souls for all eternity.”
The realtor didn’t even skip a beat before replying:
“Wait a second … what’s the catch?”
26. Hipster Real Estate Agents Are SO Over It
Why did the hipster real estate agent refuse to show the riverfront property?
It was too current.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
28. Aren’t Finished Basements the Best?
My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
29. The Truck Driver Client
My truck driver client was such a pain. Kept saying he wanted a house with long haul ways.
30. Don’t Trust the Listing Agent!
A listing agent I know promises a free abacus with every closed deal, but I wouldn’t count on it.
31. The FSBO Cold Caller
After being cold-called five days in a row, a FSBO finally had enough:
“FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME, I CAN’T SEE YOU THIS SATURDAY OR ANY DAMN DAY!!”
Without skipping a beat the realtor replied,
“That’s OK, sir, I sell prescription glasses on the side. Let’s schedule you an eye exam.”
32. This House Is for the Cats
Agent: “This house is great, but it’s really for the cats.”
Buyer: “What do you mean?”
Agent: “It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.”
33. Doctor House, MD
Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a window pane.
34. The One About the Roof
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it—it’s over your head.
What room in your house are zombies most afraid of? The living room.
36. He Lost the Client!
A commercial broker was working with a client who wanted to buy a hockey rink, but had trouble estimating closing costs. She ended up losing the client because she could only give him a ballpark estimate.
37. I’m Such a Great Agent Other Companies Won’t Stop Calling Me!
“I need a raise in my commission,” the realtor said to her Managing Broker. “There are four other companies after me.”
“Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“VISA, Verizon, Con Ed Electric, and National Gas.”
Real estate agents need to laugh at their problems. Everybody else does.
39. Say It Ain’t So!
What’s the difference between a Realtor and a Mortgage Broker? The Mortgage Broker knows he’s boring.
40. Two Pharaohs
Two pharaohs in ancient Egypt were shopping for a new pyramid, so they contacted a local real estate agent.
“We want the cheapest pyramid you have.”
Sensing his commission check getting smaller, the realtor offered a rebuttal:
“Most of my pharaoh clients want the luxurious pyramids since they can last for 3,000 years or more. Can I ask why you only want to look at cheap pyramids?”
“We want to get our mummy’s worth.”
41. Star Wars
Which Star Wars character would make the best realtor? Lando Calrissian.
42. The Cheap Apartment Buyer
My buyer didn’t have a lot of money to spend on an apartment, so I asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
43. I Could Take ’Em!
“Eh, that realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”
44. He Looked So Loanely
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself? He was a loaner.
45. Sure Seems That Way
“Hey, I might be looking to find a new brokerage. How many agents work at your brokerage?”
46. Communication Skills
My Managing Broker just told me I was fired for having poor communication skills. I didn’t know what to say to that.
47. The Truth Is STILL Out There
When I went to check out a new listing with my buyer, we were stunned to see ET sitting on the stoop waving his glowing finger in the air and asking us to phone home.
I decided to call my friend at the title company to see what was going on, and he told me someone put alien on the property.
48. A Hard Lesson to Learn!
49. The Cold, Hard Truth
Need more memes? Love The Broke Agent? Check out our collaboration with The Broke Agent here: 105 Real Estate Memes Realtors Can’t Stop Sharing.
50. The Problem With Being on Time
The only problem with being on time for your showings is that no one else is there to appreciate it.
51. Maybe Less of a Joke Than a Business Plan!
Follow The Broke Agent on Instagram for more memes.
53. Perfect for San Francisco Agents
54. Her Managing Broker Is Named Cheeto Salsa
55. The Ultimate FSBO Challenge
56. This Real Estate Marketing Genius
57. Obi-Wan Kenobi Salvages Your Sunday
58. New Agents Be Like …
60. Orange You Glad This Isn’t Your Listing?
62. Clients Said Her Partner Sounded Kind of Wooden Over the Phone …
63. Git’r Done!
64. Serious Buyers
Read this alarming article every agent should read here.
66. 7 Tricks Realtors Use to Sell Houses, 1-3
Read the other sneaky tricks your competitors are using here.
67. See Google, Amazon, Apple, et al
Read the rest of this shocking story here.
68. The Contract
69. It’s in Good Condition!
70. NAR Violation
Hey, big guy, are you a NAR violation? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
71. I Need a Better Split!
Agent: “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about bumping me up to a 90% split. There are three other companies after me right now.”
Broker: “Really? Which ones?”
Agent: “The Gas Company, the Electric Company, and the Cable Company.”
72. Mix-up at the Florist
A California agent always sent a bouquet of flowers with a nice personal card as a housewarming gift for his buyers. One day there was a mix-up at the florist, and his buyers ended up with a card that said: “Rest in peace.”
Furious, he called the florist to tell her how angry she was about the mix-up. Her reply?
“Look, I’m sorry for the mix-up, but just think, there is a family somewhere at a funeral who got a bouquet of flowers with a card that said “Congratulations on your new home!”
Hey girl, you know what the difference is between you and my CRM? My CRM costs $70 a month, but you’re priceless.
74. An Easement
Hey cowboy, I’m not asking you for an easement, just a mere right of recreation and amusement.
75. Property Inspector
Are you a property inspector? Because you were checking me out for hours at the open house on Sunday.
76. My Nickname Around the Office
Around the office, the other realtors call me coffee cause I grind so fine.
77. My Heart
Hey girl, you probably don’t know it, but you have a lien on my heart.
Are you the latest SwiftKey app update? Because you’re just my type.
79. Signal Is STRONG in Here
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection here.
80. Cold Caller
Hey good lookin’, I cold-call expireds all day but if you give me your phone number, I’ll make a hot call tonight.
81. Did You Just Feel That?
Is this listing in an earthquake zone or did you just rock my world?
82. State Regulations
I’m sorry, but state regulations and the NAR code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.
83. Need That Map Stat!
Do you have a map of the listings we’re going to see today? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.
84. FHA Loan
Hey, big guy, are you an FHA loan, because you’ve definitely got my interest.
85. First-time Homebuyer
Talking to you makes me feel like a first-time homebuyer—nervous but thrilled.
86. Curb Appeal
With curb appeal like that you’re a prime property in my heart’s MLS.
87. The Garden Is Rather Secluded
This listing has a beautiful garden where we can put our tulips together.
88. The Blazer
Hey sailor, you like my blazer? It’s made out of girlfriend material.
89. Words …
If you were words on my exclusive buyer agency agreement, you’d be the fine print.
90. The Inspector Is Here
Baby, we can definitely skip the inspection because I can already tell you’re flawless!
91. Fired My Web Designer Today
Sadly, I had to fire my web designer today and get a Placester site. We just weren’t on the same landing page anymore.
92. Let’s Get Out of Here
What do you say you and me get out of here and go back to my place to check out my pocket listings?
93. Don’t Ever Use This One … Seriously
The local market has gone up and down over the years, but you’ll stay beautiful forever.
94. Your Showing Today
Hey hunk, your showing today must have been on the equator because you’re hot!
95. What’s Your Sign & Uh, …
Hey baby, what’s your sign, and are you already working with another agent?
96. Facebook Ad Strategy
You must have a killer Facebook ad strategy because you made quite the impression on me.
Over to You
Have some great real estate jokes, puns, or pick-up lines that we missed? Let us know in the comments!