Is the market roller coaster of 2023 getting to you? Need a little pick-me-up? Perhaps a healthy dose of real estate jokes, puns, and pick-up lines is just what the doctor ordered to get you back on track.
We hope you memorize a few of these cheesy, hilarious, oh-so-true, and groan-worthy real estate jokes to tell at tomorrow’s team or client meeting. We’ve got some fresh new real estate jokes for just about every agent out there—and we bet more than a few of them will make you chuckle.
And as a bonus, we designed and formatted 18 of these jokes for you to download and share on social media!
The Dual Agent
How does a dual agent sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Not That Bright
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright. When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
I’m getting married to a top-producing Realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.
A Natural Miracle
A Realtor’s brain is a miracle of nature. It starts working the day they’re born and stops working as soon as they need to pitch a homeowner.
The Two-story House
My clients put in an offer on a two-story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Check out this alarming article from ClickHole that every agent should read.
7 Tricks Realtors Use to Sell Houses, 1-3
Another fun one from ClickHole. Read the other sneaky tricks your competitors are using here. Number three is my personal favorite.
But This Carpeting Cost Us an Arm & a Leg in 1987!!
Ninety percent of the people in this city hate wall-to-wall carpeting. The other 10% hate your carpeting.
The Truck Driver Client
My truck driver client was such a pain. Kept saying he wanted a house with long haul ways.
Don’t Trust the Listing Agent!
A listing agent I know promises a free abacus with every closed deal, but I wouldn’t count on it.
The Problem With Being on Time
The only problem with being on time for your showings is that no one else is there to appreciate it.
It Doesn’t Take a Genius…
When Einstein dies, he goes to heaven and he asks the first person he sees, “Excuse me? What’s your IQ?” The person replies, “280.” Einstein says, “Oh, that’s great! We can talk about astrophysics!” He asks the second person he runs into the same question. The person replies, “My IQ is 150.” “Wonderful,” he says, “we can talk about events of the day!” He comes across a third person and, once again, asks their IQ. This person answers 45. Einstein says, “OK! So, where do you think the real estate market is headed?”
Good news! The federal government has announced that they will begin using real estate licenses as official ID. The rationale is that not everyone has a driver’s license.
Just How Many Realtors Does It Take…
to change a lightbulb?
Just one Realtor is all it takes to screw a handsome, bespoke lightbulb into the crystal and antique brushed brass chandelier in the grand entryway with soaring ceilings and custom crown molding in this classic Georgian-style home located in a gated neighborhood with private lake and golf course. Won’t last! Must see!
The IT Department
The Perfect CRM
CRM salesperson: “This CRM will cut your workload in half.”
Real estate agent: “That’s great, I’ll take two!”
Oh, for a Book & a Shady Nook…
The Onion nails us and our hilarious buyers once again; read more about the nook insanity here.
Bob Ross Knows What’s Up
An agent shows up at a seller’s appointment and repeats his favorite mantra, crossing his fingers and chanting, “They have not checked their Zestimate. They have not checked their Zestimate. They have not checked their Zestimate.”
What does a house wear? Address.
Orange You Glad This Isn’t Your Listing?
The Lightest Building
What kind of building weighs the least? A lighthouse.
The Lowest Inventory
Did you hear about the last remaining unit in the apartment building? It was last but not leased.
A Realtor I know asked me if I read “Realtor Magazine.” I said I did read it—periodically.
It’s a Pretty Catchy Tune
What’s a Realtor’s favorite Christmas song? For Lease Navidad.
I got worried about climate change when Realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental unit? Tenants.
Doctor House, MD
Why did the house go to the doctor? It had a window pane.
The One About the Roof
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it—it’s over your head.
Which room in your house are zombies most afraid of? The living room.
Hipster Real Estate Agents Are So Over It
Why did the hipster real estate agent refuse to show the riverfront property?
It was too current.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Aren’t Finished Basements the Best?
My bread and butter are listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
May the House Be With You
Which Star Wars character would make the best Realtor? Lando Calrissian.
The Cheap Apartment Buyer
My buyer didn’t have a lot of money to spend on an apartment, so I asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would accept.
I Could Take ’Em!
“Eh, that Realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”
The Nautical Need Representation Too
Why did the new real estate agent get on a boat?
He was a sailor’s agent.
The Bottom Dollar
The Secret to Real Estate Success
After reading books by Tom Ferry and Brain Buffini and going to seven coaching seminars this year, I think I’ve finally discovered the secret to making serious money in the real estate industry. I’m going to become a real estate coach!
A Realtor’s Prayer
Dear Lord, all I ask is that you prove to me that money won’t make me happier by tripling my GCI this year.
A new agent walks into a brokerage office for an interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months. Why did you leave?”
“I just couldn’t stick with it.”
He Made Him an Offer He Couldn’t Refuse
A real estate agent was standing at the crossroads when the devil suddenly appeared before him.
“I can make you the most successful agent in your brokerage, and you will sell 200 houses next year if you sign this contract in blood. In return, you will give me your soul, your wife’s soul, and your children’s souls for all eternity,” the devil said.
The Realtor didn’t even skip a beat before replying: “Wait a second … what’s the catch?”
The House Is Meowvelous, But…
Agent: “This listing is great, but it’s really for the cats.”
Buyer: “What do you mean?”
Agent: “It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.”
The FSBO Cold Caller
After being cold-called five days in a row, a FSBO finally had enough: “FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME, I CAN’T SEE YOU THIS SATURDAY OR ANY DAMN DAY!!”
Without skipping a beat the Realtor replied: “That’s OK, sir. I sell prescription glasses on the side. Let’s schedule an eye exam!”
I’m Such a Great Agent, Other Firms Won’t Stop Calling Me!
“I need a raise in my commission,” the Realtor said to her managing broker. “There are four other companies after me.”
“Oh really?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”
“Visa, Verizon, Con Ed Electric, and National Gas.”
Maybe Less of a Joke Than a Business Plan!
See Google, Amazon, Apple, et al.
Read the rest of this shocking story at The Onion’s website.
Joke-y Pick-up Lines
Couldn’t Help But Notice…
Hey, girl, are you a mortgage? Because you’ve got my interest!
Hey, big guy, are you a NAR violation? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
The Subscription Fee Is No Joke
You know what the difference is between you and my CRM? My CRM costs $70 a month, but you’re priceless.
Lien on Me
Hey cowboy, I’m not asking you for an easement, just a mere right of recreation and amusement.
Around the office, the other Realtors call me coffee ’cause I grind so fine.
My Heart Belongs to You
You probably don’t know it, but you have a lien on my heart.
The Signal Is Strong in Here
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection here.
Hey good lookin’, I cold call expireds all day, but if you give me your phone number, I’ll make a hot call tonight.
Did You Feel That Too?
Is this listing in an earthquake zone or did you just rock my world?
I’m sorry, but state regulations and the NAR code of ethics require me to disclose how beautiful your eyes are.
Talking to you makes me feel like a first-time homebuyer—nervous but thrilled.
Meet Me on the Porch
With curb appeal like, that you’re a prime property in my heart’s MLS.
The Garden Is Rather Secluded
This listing has a beautiful garden where we can put our tulips together.
Hey sailor, you like my blazer? It’s made out of girlfriend material.
If you were words on my exclusive buyer agency agreement, you’d be the fine print.
The Inspector Is Here
Baby, we can definitely skip the inspection because I can already tell you’re flawless!
Time for a Redesign
Sadly, I had to fire my web designer today and get a Placester site. We just weren’t on the same landing page anymore.
What do you say you and me get out of here and go back to my place to check out my pocket listings?
Where’ve You Been?
Hey hunk, your showing today must have been on the equator because you’re hot!
Hey baby, what’s your sign, and are you already working with another agent?
You must have a killer Facebook ad strategy because you made quite the impression on me.
The Managing Broker Section
Best Prize of All
At the weekly sales meeting, a managing broker makes an announcement: “Attention everyone, I am happy to announce that this month’s sales contest is kicking off with a lot of great prizes for everyone who’s working so hard.”
A new Realtor in the back pipes up and asks: “Well, what do we win?”
“It’s simple. The prize is getting to compete in next month’s sales contest!”
Sure Seems That Way
“Hey, I might be looking to find a new brokerage. How many agents work at your office?”
“Oh, about half!”
My managing broker just told me I was fired for having poor communication skills. I didn’t know what to say to that.
An old man walks into a real estate office and approaches the first agent he sees.
“What’s your name, sonny boy?”
“Hi, my name’s Jeff, and I’d love to—”
“Listen here, Jeff, I don’t want to hear you yammering, I just want to sell my f%#%#ng house! Got it?!”
“The agent, somewhat shocked, replies: “I’m sorry, sir, I’d love to help you, but we don’t use that kind of language here.”
“Listen you little f%$%ng whippersnapper, I just said I need to sell my f%$%#ng house!! I want to speak to your f#%%#ng manager!”
So the agent goes into the managing broker’s office and brings her out.
“Hello sir, my name is Carolyn, and I’m the managing broker here. How can I help you?”
“For the last f$%#%ing time, I want to sell my f$%#%^ng $5 million house!!”
“I see, sir. Is this d%#%#%ed here giving you a hard time?”
Mo’ Clients; Mo’ Problems
She Could’ve Had a Home Run
A commercial broker was working with a client who wanted to buy a hockey rink, but had trouble estimating closing costs. She ended up losing the client because she could only give him a ballpark estimate.
Two pharaohs in ancient Egypt were shopping for a new pyramid, so they contacted a local real estate agent.
“We want the cheapest pyramid you have,” they said.
Sensing his commission check getting smaller, the Realtor offered a rebuttal: “Most of my pharaoh clients want luxurious pyramids that can last for 3,000 years or more. Can I ask why you only want to look at cheap ones?”
“We want to get our mummy’s worth.”
The Cold, Hard Truth
Need more memes? Love The Broke Agent? Check out our collaboration with the one and only Eric Simon here: Real Estate Memes Realtors Can’t Stop Sharing.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Salvages Your Sunday
New Agents Be Like …
It’s Practically Brand-new!
Say It Ain’t So!
What’s the difference between a Realtor and a mortgage broker? The mortgage broker knows he’s boring.
No Interest in Company
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself? He was a loaner.
The Truth Is Out There
What do professional, affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.
The Truth Is Still Out There
When I went to check out a new listing with my buyer, we were stunned to see E.T. sitting on the stoop, waving his glowing finger in the air and asking us to phone home.
I decided to call my friend at the title company to see what was going on, and he told me someone put alien on the property.
Mix-up at the Florist
A California agent always sent a bouquet of flowers with a nice personal card as a housewarming gift for his buyers. One day there was a mix-up at the florist, and his buyers ended up with a card that said, “Rest in peace.”
Furious, he called the florist to tell her how angry she was about the mistake. Her reply?
“Look, I’m sorry for the mix-up, but just think: There is a family somewhere at a funeral who got a bouquet of flowers with a card that said, “Congratulations on your new home!”
A Sign That You Should Be in Real Estate
Perfect for San Francisco Agents
Her Managing Broker Is Named Cheeto Salsa
The Ultimate FSBO Challenge
This Real Estate Marketing Genius
The Onion Skewers Us … and Our Marketing
The Onion parodies the classic Realtor headshot in their headline. Hey, sometimes that 100-megawatt smile makes all the difference, right?
It’s Free Real Estate
If you’ve ever Googled “free real estate” and scratched your head at all the bizarre results, then congratulations. You’ve been exposed to the weird world of Tim and Eric. The humor isn’t for everyone—in fact, some of you might end up MORE confused after watching this. But their “it’s free real estate” has taken off and become a meme of its own. You’ll even find it hidden in the Gorillaz song, Clint Eastwood.
Is Your Mommy Home?
A young Realtor was out door knocking one afternoon and came upon a little girl sitting on a stoop.
“Hi there, my name is Stacey. Is your mommy home?”
The little girl nods and says yes, so the Realtor rings the doorbell.
After five minutes with no answer, she turns back to the little girl and asks her: “Hey, I thought you said your mommy was home?”
“My mommy is home, but I live across the street.”
Have a Laugh on Us … And You
Real estate agents need to laugh at their problems. Everybody else does.
Realtor for Mayor
Look closely at yard signs when it’s election season. Don’t want to accidentally elect your local real estate agent for mayor!
Clients Said Her Partner Sounded Kind of Wooden Over the Phone …
A Hard Lesson to Learn!
The Onion knows there are always other apartment hunters who are faster. More cunning.
Over to Your Real Estate Jokes
We hope our collection of real estate jokes brightened your day, or at least gave you a good eye-roll! Have some great real estate jokes, puns, or pick-up lines that we missed? Let us know in the comment section!
And don’t forget you can download some of our favorite jokes to share on social media!